You can't always be the person you want to be

Here is another thing I'm attempting in my middle age.

I think we all have discrepancies between the people we want to be, and the people that we in fact are. When we are younger, the "person we want to be" is often defined by her coolness, her fitting in, her inspiring others, her being both a leader and a perfectly blended member of the pack.

I've come to realize recently that maybe the person I always wanted to be is not, in fact, the person I am. And moreover, the characteristics of the person that I wanted to be aren't even necessarily good. I mean, they aren't bad. But they aren't inherently good or superior, and there is no reason for me to try to force myself into them.

Here are some characteristics of the person I wanted to be, and how she contrasts with the person I am.

1) The person that I wanted to be is worldly and loves exotic, sophisticated foods. The person that I am rarely travels and loves simple foods, and could eat them over and over forever.

2) The person that I wanted to be is a stylishly disheveled academic who does not care at all about her appearance. The person that I am is actually quite vain, has some ironclad style rules (although these rules include Carhartts!), and does not own sweatpants.

3) The person that I wanted to be is care-free and spontaneous, flying by the seat of her pants and always up for an adventure! The person that I am:
* plans backpacking trips down to the specific snacks.
* is genuinely distressed when a plan even so casual as lunch with a coworker is shifted by half an hour.
* does not leave the house, even for a dog walk around the block, without a fully stocked emergency kit.
* is seldom later than five minutes for even casual plans.
* puts things on her grocery list when she is down to 'the one before the last one'.
* absolutely cannot go to bed without flossing, even when backpacking, yes!
* faithfully checks my oil, transmission fluid, and coolant every other time I get gas.
* faithfully checks my tire pressure every other time I get gas.
* etc

4) The person that I wanted to be is such a cool cat that she doesn't care what anyone else thinks of her, especially not perfect strangers! The person that I am is so sensitive that I am upset for an entire day if someone is rude to me on a street. The person that I am is so vulnerable that when I end a conversation with the conclusion, "What do I care what *that* person thinks? I don't care!" I actually do care, and it upsets me for an amount of time disproportional to the importance of the conversation.

Conclusion: Maybe it's okay to be flawed and vulnerable and sensitive and weird, not weird-in-a-cool, iconoclastic way, but WEIRD-weird. Maybe you learn these things around 40 years old, or maybe it takes the support and confidence of being in a happy relationship, having honest friends who see right through the bullshit you tell yourself, and having a job where you are respected. :)