I reached out to volunteers of the No One Dies Alone program to learn about this work. They simply sit with patients who otherwise would have no one with them as they pass away.
I wasn't sure if I would meet busybodies or saints. The volunteers turned out to be regular people unafraid of being near life's deepest mysteries.
Their stories reminded me that living fully requires us to pay attention to moments of meaning and intensity, not avoid them. That's how you discover what life is worth.
I've been thinking a bit lately about touching in general. Specifically, I've been struggling to form a coherent personal policy on human touching. I'm a hugger, but I try to respect non-huggers. I especially feel bad when non-huggers don't tell me they are non-huggers and awkwardly accept my hugs because they are too conflict-avoidant to say anything, so I try to read body language. My goal is 100% respect for anyone who does not want to be touched!
Then there is the kid issue. Little kid hugs are the best! But I want them to learn that they don't HAVE to hug anyone out of courtesy if they don't want to, ever. I think it is terrible when they are told, "Go give Aunty Elsabetta a hug!" when they really don't want to. I think humans have an absolute right to bodily autonomy, and kids should learn this from the get-go. There are also legitimate concerns about inappropriate touching of little kids, and some schools have even banned teachers from hugging kids! They started with suggesting high-fives as an alternative, and now it is being suggested that they ban high-fives as well! I work at schools sometimes for outreach/education, and I won't refuse an offered hug. I hope I never get in trouble for it!
There are so many anecdotal stories and studies showing how human touch is healthy and necessary, but there are so many people who are uncomfortable with it, that I don't ever want to cross that line! It's even a conflict in romantic relationships. The hugger feels neglected, like their partner is unaffectionate. The non-hugger feels smothered. It's unfortunate!
Dogs are the best at navigating this, because when a dog is up in someone's business who doesn't want them there, they feel more free to say, "No!". And when someone wants to cuddle a dog, they feel more free to reach out. Why can't people be this frank with their fellow humans?
I'm glad I found DL, who likes to cuddle with his ladies. :)
Well, one thing I have learned is, just ask!. It is amazing how much time and angst people spend trying to read each other's minds, when we could just ask with words! I remember bumping into my friend and neighbor MR while walking Roo and Linden shortly after we had to let Autumn go. I told her the sad news, and she said, "Would you like a hug? Or do you think it would be too hard?" She understood something about me that I had not even understood until that moment... I would have considered myself an inveterate hugger, but in that situation... yes, it would have been a bad idea! I would definitely have started crying in the middle of the road, on a -20F day, and wet my scarf, and it would have been very uncomfortable!
A few weeks later, I saw her in our building at work. I was more healed by then, and informed her, "I'll take my hug now!" She gladly delivered. :)
Last weekend, I had an opportunity to utilize my lesson. One of Roo's and my Friends at the Denali Center, who has a spinal cord injury and only has minimal use of her hands, was due to leave shortly to have surgery at another hospital. The surgery may restore more of her arm mobility! We came by to see her and wish her a safe trip and successful surgery. Before I left, I lifted Roo's front paws and placed them on her bed, so she could pet Roo's head. Then I asked, "Would you like a hug from me?" She said yes, so I did. <3
4 comments:
You are such a lovely person. Asking about hugs is a wonderful thing to do.
I generally also try to read body language, although I will admit that with people with whom I am super close, I have occasionally demanded that I get a hug from them even if they tend not to be huggers. I don't force it every interaction, but I had historically tended to think that me asking for a hug 1 out of 10 times was reasonable and these people appeared to agree and go along. The way I'd rationalized it to myself was that human touch is important, but lately I've been wondering if I'm pushing too much of my own pre-conceived notions onto people who really didn't welcome it but weren't willing to lose my friendship over it.
On the other hand, I think of the nuns in the convents who were so desperate for touch that they'd take my hand and walk down the corridor with me to my room when I was traveling by myself in Italy in my 20s. I was uncomfortable, but it was so clear that they needed it, that I let them hold my hand and interact with me even though it wasn't my preference (I never felt threatened). Definitely a complicated issue.
I love the touching ending to this post. Thank you for sharing.
As a hugger I too realize how much more attentive I need to be to those who might not appreciate a hug.
Agreed, that little kid hugs are the best, especially when they are spontaneous. They are so joyful and genuine! I also do volunteer pet therapy and when our group is getting ready to leave the children's home we visit some of the kids just run up and give us hugs and then ask if they can hug the dogs! The staff there is very nurturing and I am happy that they don't discourage hugs:)
Very kind and mature thinking you have developed. Btw, learn how others injured themselves and be careful in every day of your life, please.
Moose meat looks very lean and healthy. Always add saute onion, lots onions. Yellow onions have more nutrient than purple ones, both kill germs and uplift immunity.
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