Arvay's Life Lessons

Last October, I turned 40. I wanted to write a commemorative blog post involving Deep Thoughts, but I couldn't come up with any. What I have been doing is trying to become a Better Person, by being more self-aware, more deliberate, more forgiving, and better with setting boundaries.

Believe it or not, I started with aphorisms. Here is one that has served me well:

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.

It helps when it seems that someone is being mean or rude for no reason; well, you have no idea what their reasons are. The classic scenario that people use as a talking point is "suppose they are on their way to visit a family member undergoing chemotherapy", but I interpret it even more broadly. Suppose they are people who have always had ugly lives, or have always had ugly personalities for no reason. Aren't they being punished enough?

Here is another one. This is huge, and believe it or not, I learned it from an advice column:

Avoiding conflict is not the highest goal of a conversation or a relationship. Sometimes a fight needs to be had.

How I wish I had utilized this earlier in several of my bad relationships! Years of your life can be wasted with someone who is not worth your time, because you avoided discussing an important issue because you wanted to avoid an argument. A good relationship can withstand a sincere, fair, and well-intentioned argument. If the argument you are avoiding is one that will involve pointless cruelty, it's time to go. Which brings me to...

You have the right to ask for anything you want out of a relationship. But people also have the right to say no.

And when someone says no, believe them. Don't hope they'll change, or pester. Then act accordingly. Decide whether you are willing to compromise. If you decide you can live with it, live with it without resentment. If you decide you cannot, then walk away.

Everyone loves a "sense of humor". They put it in dating profiles. But being funny isn't a *value*.

It's not worth sacrificing an actual value for humor. It's not worth hurting someone's feelings to be funny. A stunned look on a friend's face at a joke made at her expense was enough to seal this deal for me.

Related:
Sarcasm is a copout. Humor is often used to dodge sincerity.

Sincerity involves sticking your neck out there, and requires courage, even if the biggest risk is being mocked.

An example is my post on Sam's Club closing! I was going to close it by saying, "And this is my essay on why Big Corporations are Evil. I hope I get an A", or a photo of me squeezing the dogs. But I decided to leave it. Because it's my sincere thoughts, and I won't distance myself from their seriousness with humor. Because I want you, readers, to take that post seriously.

I'm going to keep you posted on my Personal Development. It might involve reading Proust!