Flying around the internet lately is a rather well-written (though, in my opinion, needlessly long) article entitled Why Women Still Can’t Have It All, by one Anne-Marie Slaughter. "It all", of course, being defined by a high-powered career and making babies.
I, clearly, am nowhere near having it all. I have chosen non-motherhood, but that's merely because I have no interest in being a mother, not because I gave up motherhood in favor of my career. I have a career that is satisfying and pays my bills, but I do not attend "glamorous receptions" hosted by the President on weeknights.
And I, as a PhD candidate, Silicon Valley boom-and-crash veteran, and alumnus of one of the top engineering universities in the world, am supposed to be more ambitious than most!
But, sadly, I do not have it all. Right now, for example, I do not have an HDMI cable to hook my laptop to my monitor (even though I ordered the danged thing a week ago!), so I have to hunch over my laptop. I also do not have a puppy and cannot ever have a puppy, unless I ever have spawn of my own that will be home in a summer to raise and housebreak said puppy. I also have a pretty lousy lunch since I was running late this morning and didn't have time to make anything better. But, sigh, that is life.
I kind of am tired of the phrase "having it all" because it implies that women who have both a career and children have everything a woman could ever want, and should be deliriously happy. However, we all know women who have both of these things and are not happy. We also know women who neither have nor want both of these things, and are a range from unhappy to happy. As I've mentioned before, I think happiness is more a result of temperament than of circumstance. If you ask a happy person whether he had a happy childhood, he will truthfully answer yes, even if it is later revealed that his dad was a drunk and they seldom had enough money for food and rent. While the unhappy person frets about the bruise in his avocado and wonders why he always gets the bruised ones and never gets a perfect avocado, dammit! Why do all of the bad things happen to him?!?
So, I don't have it all, and I'm okay with that.
In the time since I started this post, my HDMI cable has arrived, so now I have use of my monitor. I also have:
* About a hundred mosquito bites.
* A very good tea stash in my desk drawer.
* A bag of chocolate chip cookies.
* A really excellent nectarine.
* Insufficient napkins in my drawer to consume my lunch safely, but I'll deal.
* Some cool work projects, and free reign from my managers to request any tools I want to get them done.
* Neon-bright fuchsia suede sandals.
* A view to a window. After four years of working in an interior office. I am observing that it is raining outside. How novel.
That's not bad. Not bad at all.
7 comments:
Wow, a view to a window!!!! That is many workers' dream, but majorities don't get it. I worked 22.5 years and I had window views less than 1/3 of the time, not bad considering many of my coworkers didn't.
Happiness is from what's within. You are happy if you think you are happy, vice versa.
Great perspective.
I am a teacher and teach in a cave (i.e. no windows) but that's okay because I love my job.
For the record, men can't have it all either. I like your blog. And I don't want a puppy.
But a kitten would do.
I read half the article and then gave up - it was too long and my barbarians were demanding lunch!
No, women can't have it all. And neither can men. In an ideal world, children would be surrounded by their families and caretakers every second of the day. Adults just have to make choices in life that we can live with - in order to keep our sanity and pay the bills. And luckily in this day and age we women can make those choices alongside our male counterparts.
The author of the article (and her husband) made a choice to put her Washington career ahead of her family for a few years. She just didn't forsee the consequences of such a choice.
You've made choices to keep your sanity and pay the bills too. Your plans don't involve kids, and that's what works for you. You're a proud auntie to many kids both there in AK and here in the lower 48! I imagine it's hard for you, however, to convince others of that choice - I'm thinking specifically of whoever you choose as a partner. Hard to find a life-partner on the same page when it comes to kids or no kids or the timing of the kids. At least that's been my experience.
As my mom once told me... "You can have it all. Just not all at once."
She was right.
I saw that article too and it was also too long for me to finish it. I have too much to do.
All I can say is... my ESL mother knows how to use apostrophes correctly.
Yay! :)
I rarely read those articles any more, because like you said "it all" means a conventional career and a conventional family. Besides "all" is an awful lot of stuff I've never even wanted to want! Like my dearly departed and sometimes sarcastic Dad said "All Things Considered" is really some things considered.
I too chose not to have kids and don't have a conventional career, but I'm pretty darn happy with what I have. That attitude is thanks to my good if unconventional upbringing!
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